How to Be the Top English Major

English is the most biased subject in universities. Your grade is an opinion on the quality of your opinions. Names are written on essays when profs mark them, so participation counts for a lot more than the 10% stated on the syllabus. I’ve seen many bright people walk out of English class with a crappy grade and no clue why. They don’t realize that the worst thing they could do is follow the prof’s advice and simply write something “weird” and “different,” with a “new perspective.” But had they stuck to one of the following two strategies, they would’ve succeeded big time.

1. The lobbyist

As the name suggests, you must lobby the professor and stick to him like a leech. This is the most sure-fire way to win big in English class. Sit at the very front and make your presence known immediately. Laugh the hardest at all the professor’s jokes, which he thinks have echoes of Tony Kushner and post-structuralist theory (how is that funny?). Bring him coffee. Raise your hand and be his go-to when the class falls silent. Make his office hours into your weekly church-going and find out details on his life and literary preferences. Incorporate these into your essays, i.e. make reference to his favourite authors. Be sure in your essay to quote the prof’s words religiously. Repeatedly write, “As we discussed in class...” Allude to trite observations and lines of thought that came up in class discussions. He will feel sorry for you, but flattered. When you get your first essay back, throw a little tantrum during his office hours, but don’t blame him: blame yourself. Say that if you don’t get a 90 in this course, it won’t be tolerated by your stepdad. (If your prof is LGBT-friendly, you can try coming out of the closet half-way through the semester, using him as your sensai.) The whole point of the lobbyist strategy is to get smack in the centre of the prof’s consciousness. You must be thought of as adorable and fragile and tireless, someone who worships his every word... maybe even someone who needs a 90 or else the school’s mental health ward will get a sudden spike in attendance. Victimhood is not a requirement for lobbying, but it’s always an option for the English major.

 

2. The pseudo-intellectual

This role is harder to pull off and closer to being an actual good student; it requires a few brain cells. Sit in the middle of the classroom, perhaps cross-legged or in some kind of half-lotus. Talk slowly and a bit sternly. You want to wear a beret and be seen rolling tobacco on your desk. In class, deliver mini-monologues that dissent from popular opinion. You want to establish yourself as an autonomous thinker, someone who has already reached a zenith of self-realization, however lame, and who the prof is slightly intimidated by. However, the whole beret shtick will brand you as a pseudo-intellectual, i.e. someone he can dismiss privately. After all, you will be “in your own little world” and won’t threaten his sense of self-validation. Become a kind of island of thought and be very assured, never showing fear or mixed signals. Pretend you are someone who is delivering a very sober speech at a left-wing rally caught on the six o’clock news. Write essays that are about 2000 words too long, with brutal asides about veganism, wildlife, and bird-watching. You could also handwrite the essays. At the end of the day, because you are a bit intelligent, a bit cool (in a fake way), and a bit of a brick wall, you will be in a position to get a good mark and he will be excited as hell to get rid of you.